Monday, January 5, 2009

Baby Clothes Woes

The last 24 hours have been a bit emotional for me, and I really only have one person to thank for that -- me!

Hubby and I have gone round and round about whether or not to add to our brood. I've even blogged about it here. But circumstances being what they've been, the "right time" has never revealed itself, and frankly that's good considering the economy and how it could affect my job. After surviving two layoffs in the last two months, I'm grateful to be working, and know it could have been different if I'd been approaching maternity leave. The recent consensus has been that until my husband has a secure full time job, a baby really isn't an option, and I'm fine with that.

What changed is that for some reason, while on a lunch date with my husband on Christmas Eve, I was suddenly all talk about how we should think about pulling down all the baby stuff and giving it away after Christmas. Sensible as always -- I knew we'd be in the attic anyway, putting away our holiday decorations, so it'd be easy to pull one out while putting away the other. Aren't I clever? I figured it was time to clear some space, and also worked at convincing myself that I'd be glad I did it. And that this didn't mean we were "done," because there are always friends with hand me downs of this or that if we do have another baby later.

Deep down I knew this was a step towards declaring our house a baby-free zone, and that it would decrease the odds of my ever being pregnant again, but I thought it was a healthy step. So, on Sunday morning, down came all the boxes and bags and tubs of clothes and toys that we'd ever crammed up there. I got to work sorting everything into piles: clothes for baby Julian, clothes for Lisa's friends with girls, newborn clothes, toddler clothes, toys for the shelter, throw away -- my bedroom looked like a war zone. I was fine at first...and then the crying started. Soon it was sobbing, followed by unattractive splotchiness, which finally careened into silent tears as I packed away all of the precious memories. I did set one tub aside for the most special things that I couldn't part with, including some things that were mine as a baby, too. But the rest would soon be out of our lives forever.

A sweet moment in the midst of all this was something my daughter did. She doesn't care much for my crying, but instead of getting upset, she hugged me and asked me why I was sad. When I explained what giving away the baby clothes probably meant, she put her hands together, closed her eyes, and said, "Dear God...please, please give us another baby." My heart nearly exploded.

Wanting to do something nice afterwards, I treated myself to yet another movie. "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," was very moving, and I'm glad I went to see it. And who doesn't want to see Brad Pitt get better and better looking for 3 hours?

I thought I was going to be just fine, and went to bed at a decent hour to get some sleep before my first early morning in days. Only I couldn't fall asleep. I tossed, I turned, I watched some Seinfeld -- nothing! Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm. Not. Ready.

If there's one thing I truly hate, it's regret, and I suddenly knew that if those boxes disappeared forever, I'd regret it immediately. I woke my husband up and told him my thoughts, and without even one complaint or even a hint of annoyance, he asked me if I wanted to put everything back in the attic. I said yes, and that was that.

I suppose at some point everyone is truly ready to make that decision, but for me, it's not today. Tomorrow's not looking good either.


Susiewearsthepants said...

I know just how you feel. I am 33 and husbandless. While I don't PLAN on having any more children in the future, I wouldn't want that option taken away from me. Anything could happen, right? What a sweet guy your husband is!

The Mom Jen said...

Wow what a rollercoaster! I know when you mentioned at Bunco that you weren't ready! Glad hubby is so supportive!

angi_b72 said...

I went thru this when i had my tubes tied!! I feel for you and know how you feel!

Merrie said...

Thanks, guys -- it's nice to know I'm not the only one out there struggling!

Ranch Girl said...

Ooh, such a hard thing to deal with. For us the 2 miscarriages, the age of my hubby, and the fact that it just wasn't happening were telltale signs and I was forced to listen to them. Oh well, I've got a grandbaby coming ... I'm thinkin' that might be even better!

queen foodie said...

I remember that inner turmoil... and then I had baby #2. I'm sure you'll know when it's time to make whatever decision works for you and your family. Every now and then I have twangs of baby fever, but it subsides pretty quick :)

Jamey said...

yep you will KNOW when your ready. I Know we are done, but when I see a baby oh it makes me think again. Which is why I had my husband taken care of, cause I am the same way about puppies!

Ali said...

I THINK I am done, but it would be so much easier if my sister would hurry up a marry and have kids so then I could enjoy babies again:)

Rebekah said...

My 'baby' is almost 3. After her birth, Hubby got fixed. We figured 4 kdis were enough. But every now and then, I think about another baby. To my shock, the other day Hubby mentioned that he missed having a baby and thought about having another.

We laughed and agreed that it was good he was fixed or we both might give in to a moment of weekness.

But we both have stated that we would consider foster care or even adoption if the opportunity presented itself.